Ann Coulter
The daughter of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Ann Coulter (sometimes known as "The Colt" for her shapely buttocks) is a perfected Jew and God's vessel on earth. Not to be confused with a giraffe, Coulter is a Real American babe, with a sensuality so blistering that it has been estimated she and Michelle Malkin populate 90 percent of all male fantasies. After all, what do real men find sexier than a 40-ish, rail thin, bony, botoxed blond who with each passing day looks more and more like a drag-queen impersonation of herself? She is only surpassed in sexiness by Soledad O'Brien and Nancy Reagan. Ann delivered the classiest eulogy for her Father that brought no tears to the eyes of any of the stalwart Republicans in attendance. As Ann herself would say, "Father wouldn't approve." Youth Ann was born December 8, 1961 1962 1965 1969. In New York City. Quickly realizing they were surrounded by Jews, the family moved to Connecticut. Dozens of dogs howled on the eve of her birth. One well-known factoid about her birth was that her mother had projectile diarrhea when she thought her water broke. As a young boy girl, Ann learned from her father that poor people were evil, and that Jesus was white. She had many hobbies, including painting, horseback riding, and vomiting up all her meals because she was fat and ugly and her mommy said nobody would ever love her unless she was thin. Pictures during the time of the Civil War has shown, however, that Miss Coulter has lived for more than a century. Because of that, her current date of birth is under investigation. Ann was supposedly a die-hard liberal before being ravaged by the Clenis when she was a tween. Children .]] Anatomy At a very early age, Ann learned to wear a lot of turtle necks to hide that annoying adams apple. Additional protection was worn around her crotch area, as her penis vagina turned into a fire-breathing dragon when near liberals. Her hair is actually horse hair from a horse that was born aborted on the ground in Red Square in the Soviet Union after being blessed by Hitler. She continuously walks around in stilts so she can look over everybody and see their liberalistic faults. Her pecks boobs develop venom for paralyzing Democrats when in striking distance. She also has the ability to go through metamorphosis, by which she can change her shape and form. Known Metamorphic Changes * Hitler * Stalin * Barack Obama's evil twin, Hillary Clinton * The antichrist's favorite brother, Rush Limbaugh * A BEAR * Vladimir Putin * Jay Leno, but drastically more deranged * Ru Paul The Woman: A Bright, Shining Example of Contemporary Thought Ann moved to the belly of the beast, where the largest percentage of liberals reside, to indulge her hunger for flesh. It was here in Hollywood that Ann was discovered by the cable news networks who were looking for somebody with "interesting" beliefs to garner television ratings. Beliefs Ann has a rock-solid belief system, anchored by the knowledge that 9-11 widows are greedy profiteers, most conservatives are smarter than your average toasterhttp://www.rightwingnews.com/quotes/coulter.php, terrorists should destroy the New York Times, and liberals are gays who should be summarily executed. With such a gut-minded approach to public affairs, it is no coincidence that Coulter has come into the zenith of her power under the reign of King presidency of George W. Bush, The Decider. Ann has filled a niche in American politics with her 'Shoot First, then Shoot Again Later' approach to political discourse. This strategy has made Ann a multi-millionaire and her life, a modern retelling of The American Dream. A dream where anyone born into a rich, white, politicaly connected family can rise to be the millionaire author of a series of semi-literate partisan screeds bestsellers. God bless America (and no one else). But Ms. Coulter doesn't do it for the money, she does it for God, country and a shitload of money. Ann wants an America that knows how to take it to the terrorists, when she created her doctrine in 2001: Heaven On Earth Ann likes to dream about Heaven on Earth and her quote her favorite New Testament passage: "Heaven is like New York City during the Republican National Convention. You know New York, New York, but less Jew-ey." Famous Ann Coulter Quotes Ann Coulter, during her college days, was overheard saying, "If I were a Jap in Hiroshima or Nagasaki, when they dropped the bomb, I would survive, unscathed." Ann Coulter's famous youthful looks and success formula: "Just make a pact and sell your soul to the devil, and trick him into delaying your death." "Where was I before I got famous? I was fucking Republicans, duh!" "I like turtles." "Lie to God once, and you'll discover that lying to people actually becomes a breeze." Family Ann is part of the only known living family that can trace their history back to the neanderthals. This proves she is 100 percent white, with no crossbreeding from Africa or the Middle East. Children We know she's pro-life, christian, subscribes to family values and traditional values, and hates abortion clinics, abortionists, and gay marriage. She should have a family of at least 10-15, like Stephen Colbert's mother. It's even more confusing than why George and Laura Bush only pumped out two kids (twins) or Dick and Lynne Cheney only pumped out 1. Women like Ann and Condi need to spread their superior stem cells from sea to shining sea. Some say limitations in transgender surgery prevent Ann from having babies. None! Not even adopted. However, as the greatest living American woman, she has made an oath of remaining without child until America vanquishes all its foes. A child would take too much time away from her efforts to help America reign supreme. As more women live their lives by Ann's example, they will bear future patriots like Sean Hannity and, by transubstantiation, those children will be the children of Ann Coulter, proliferating her holy spirit for eternity. Things That Make Ann Hard Hot * her luscious and flowing golden raven-rooted hair * her languid gams * her muscular tapering throat-accented neck * Fellowship of Christian Athletes * Men in uniform * Killer * Her nude Dennis Hastert etchings * Stephen Colbert * Her Melissa Etheridge CD's Books We normally do not endorse books, but in Ann's case, we'll make an exception. * How to Cook Liberals * Eating Less and Feeling Full, The Untold Benefits of Billiard Balls * Tuesdays with Morrie * Tissues! Sanitation or a 4 course meal * Lezbionics: How to Keep "It" Hidden! * Reincarnation: How to Avoid Being Reborn Black, Mexican or Jewish * Are you there God, it's me Hitler's descendant * The right to bear Word Bullets though originally released under the title, Can I have a second amendment chased by the first, I'm not full of crap yet * I Don't Know What Drugs I'm On, But They're Good! Notes See Also * Fox News * Laura Ingraham * Republicans * Tom Cruise * Women's rights * The Coulter Doctrine * Perfected